Compassion

                Something has been stirring in my heart for the last several weeks, and I didn’t want to blog about it because it is one of those things that could be construed as controversial.  If you know me well, you know that I would rather crawl under a rock and die than be involved in any sort of conflict; however, if you’ve read any of my past entries, you will know that the Holy Spirit won’t leave a subject alone if He means for me to write about it.

                So let me pose a couple questions.  When did we as a people become so concerned about being right that we lost our compassion for sharing in others’ pain?  How can we turn a blind eye to suffering simply because we feel it is unjustified?  Whether right or wrong, God has called us to love people.  Period.  Loving them does not entail telling them why they are wrong for feeling the way that they feel.  When you are grieving, logic doesn’t apply.  Believe me.  I am working through that process right now, and you could give me 100 logical reasons why I should be ok with the way things turned out in my situation.  None of that matters to me.  What matters to me is that my heart is broken.  I have had scriptures quoted to me, prayers prayed for me, and many offers of people who will listen if I needed someone to talk to.  Do you know what actually brought me a measure of comfort?  The one woman who held me as I cried and cried with me.  I didn’t have to pretend with her that her words changed anything or that I suddenly felt less grief than I had because of her words or actions.  I didn’t have to put on my brave face and convince her that soon I would feel better.  I could just be a mom who lost one of the most precious things God has ever given me.

                As I was reflecting on that, the Lord gave me some revelation the other day that I thought was especially precious.  He brought to mind the story of Lazarus’s death.  Mary, his sister, was offended at the Lord because He had been sent for and didn’t come when Lazarus was sick.  She told Him, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” (John 11:32)  Jesus didn’t defend himself or justify his actions.  He had already revealed to Martha that He could raise him from the dead, but rather than getting angry with Mary for what she said in her grief, He wept with her.  The Bible says, “He groaned in his spirit and was troubled.” (John 11:33)  He already knew He was going to raise Lazarus from the dead, but He took the time to grieve with people who were hurting. 

                Brothers and sisters in Christ, we are to be a reflection of Jesus, and Jesus gave us a clear example of what to do when people are hurting.  He didn’t ask them to help Him understand why they were offended with Him.  He didn’t offer reasons why it wasn’t really His fault.  He simply had compassion for them and shared in their grief.  So why do we find it so difficult to lock arms with those who are hurting and let them know we hear them and that we care?

                Take a few moments and let the following words sink into your heart:

                [Love] does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil;

Does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things,

hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never fails.  1 Corinthians 13:5-8

Think about that: “Love NEVER fails.”  If we reflect love in our words and our actions, we can’t fail, but in order to be loving we can’t be so concerned about being right….self seeking. 

                Never forget that there is an adversary who has an agenda in this world.  Divisiveness, anger, prejudice, and every evil thing…they come from him.  The only way to overcome evil is with good and hate with love.  Yes, because we live in a fallen world there are going to be people who will hate you anyway.  Yes, there are going to be people who don’t respond to your compassion.  Open up your heart to that possibility because Jesus did it, and because it’s the right thing to do.  The time when people are grieving is not the time to be right.  Save that discussion for another day when the pain isn’t so raw that it’s all that they can think about. Just love people.  Be like Jesus.

Sacrifice

     Losing a child is the most ridiculously difficult thing one can ever go through. The grief washes over you like waves, slowly at first until suddenly one of them knocks you down and you are overcome by it, leaving you gasping for air as they keep pummeling you without mercy until you despair even going on. I have experienced no greater pain in life, and it is a very lonely, hopeless pain. The kind of pain that keeps me from sleeping at night and makes me want to not get up in the morning. The kind of pain that other people don’t seem to understand.

     I always felt it was incredibly insensitive when people would tell me, “I could never do foster care. I wouldn't be able to give a child back,” as if I were somehow magically less caring than them or perhaps just didn't love the child as they would. Now, walking through the experience, I can see that it truly is not for the faint of heart. I never dreamed 15 months ago when I was told that parental rights were being immediately terminated on this child, who became my son in my heart the moment I brought him home from the hospital, would one day be returned to his biological mother. In this system, there was nothing I could have done differently or better. There was no second chance for me. I am a helpless byproduct of a system that leaves a long stream of broken people in its wake every single day, and now, I am walking through every parent's biggest nightmare.

     Tonight as I sat here alone grieving I began pondering in my pain, and I began to see the love the Father has for us in a whole new light. We are created in the image of God. God has feelings just as we do. He gets angry, He loves, and He grieves. I began to imagine what God must have gone through as He watched Jesus walk out His calling to be tortured and murdered. He knew as He sent Him here that there would be no other way. I can imagine how heartbreaking it was for Him as Jesus called out to Him in the garden of Gethsemane asking Him to take the cup of suffering from Him. How difficult was it to stand by as His perfect son was mocked, beaten, scourged, and nailed to the cross to suffer and die one of the most excruciating deaths known to mankind.

     Fast forward to today as I sit here in the dark writing this because I couldn't sleep because of all that is in my heart. I know that my situation is very different from what the Lord went through, but it gives me a whole new appreciation for just how much the Father gave up for each one of us. I would be willing to do just about anything to not have to give up this child I have loved and raised, who calls me “Mama” and gives me kisses when I get him out of his crib in the morning, yet God did it willingly. This Jesus, who was with Him in the beginning as He made everything that was made and was His daily delight. He didn't have to be coerced. He did it because He loves us that much.

The Word says, “He who did not spare His own son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things?” (Romans 8:32) He already gave us His best. Why would He withhold anything else from us if He was willing to sacrifice Jesus? It goes on to say, “For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:38-39) The Lord gave me that verse several years ago as I was walking through some trials that seemed difficult at the time, and I have considered it a “life verse.” I have always looked at that last phrase as almost an afterthought, but now I can see that it means everything. His love is IN Jesus because that is what He gave.

     I had not planned on publishing this until long after things were settled down in my life. The feelings are too raw, and right now I can’t answer the question, “How are you?” without crying; however, the Holy Spirit will not let me put it on a shelf. In all this suffering, I feel that there is a confidence that this has built in me that cannot be shaken. I don’t understand everything that happens here on this earth, but I know that the love that God has for me, for all of us, is greater than any of us could begin to fathom. So if this world takes my son, I can have confidence that the Lord will not withhold His Word from me and that he will always have peace, that because he has been trained up in the way that he should go, when he is old he will not depart from it, and that one day I will hold him again, if not in this world in the next. Because my God loves me, because He said it, and because He is faithful.

Thankfulness

                “In everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”  1 Th 5:18.  I have had this verse stirring in my heart for some time now.  It is probably because the Lord has been teaching me some things about being thankful in the midst of some “stuff” that has been going on in my life.  It is easy to be thankful when things are going well.  It is when we have opportunities to complain that our obedience to His word gets tested. 

                Recently I had a situation in my personal life where things had an opportunity to get very ugly.  I was angry, I was frustrated, and most of all, I wanted answers.  I needed action!  I was all set to start making phone calls and sending emails.  I was going to be a thorn in someone’s side until I got what I wanted.  Then I took a step back and inquired of the Lord.  His direction?  Do nothing.  What?  Nothing?  Lord, you created me to be a “doer” and you’re asking me to do nothing? 

                That was exactly what He was asking me to do.  As I left my prayer time with my new directive, I felt impressed to show my thankfulness to the five people involved in the situation.  I wrote out thank you notes to each of them, sent them off, and then did exactly what the Lord had told me to do.  Nothing.

                For about a month nothing changed.  Then one day I got a phone call.  The mountain had moved.  The awesome thing was that it was done in a way that only the Lord could have orchestrated.  I got exactly what I wanted, and I walked away with all five of my relationships intact.  Because the person who called me actually wanted the same thing I did all along, I was able to share with him how God had come through for me. 

                When I look back on the situation now, I can see how differently things could have been had I not taken the time to inquire of the Lord, follow His direction, and be thankful toward those five individuals.  Being able to be thankful in the midst of the storm really allowed me to put my full trust in the Lord to change the situation around for my good, and it allowed me to give Him the glory when He came through for me. 

                I think about the Israelites and what happened to them when they complained about the giants in the Promised Land.  Those giants needed to move, but rather than seeking the Lord about how to move them, they complained, and because of it, they were denied the very thing they had been after since they exited Egypt.  What if I had started complaining like they did and started trying to move the mountain on my own?  It could have been a huge disaster, but instead it turned into a victory!  “But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.”  1 Co 15:57  No matter your situation, everyone has something to be thankful for.  Start thanking the Lord for the blessings He has already given you, and see if those mountains don’t start moving!

Obedience

                December 30, 2011.   That is the date I had set aside some time to pray over my specific goals for the year 2012.  As I prayed over my goals for self-improvement, I clearly received three specific directions: quit drinking coffee, only decaf tea, and give up sugar.  Wow!  Talk about difficult!  For a short time, I did attempt to cut back on coffee, and I started using only creamer, but then life happened.  We took in two small foster girls who didn’t sleep well, and life got hectic.  I had all the excuses to give up.  “You understand, right Lord? I mean, you didn’t really know all this was going to happen when you gave me those directions, and anyway…I did ok for a while.  This was probably just a short term goal.”  Finally, I forgot He had even given me the directions.

                Fast forward a year…I started having these weird health issues.  Random parts of my body would swell and break out in hives with no warning, and it seemed, no rhyme or reason.  At first I thought it was a food allergy, but there didn’t seem to be any food that was common to the reactions.  Then I thought it might be certain groups of foods, so I cut those out.  That didn’t help either.  I thought for a while that it was maybe NSAID medications, but then it happened when I took acetaminophen as well.  When it was all said and done, I found that I was allergic to ibuprophen, acetaminophen, Aleve, and several antacids including Tums and Zantac.  Each medication caused a different reaction, and they were all medications I had taken in the past with no problem.  This left me with no way to manage any symptoms of illness when they did happen unless I did it naturally.  Sometimes I got relief, other times not.

                Early in 2014, through a series of events I was led to research a specific health issue that I had never heard of.  I love Psalm 143:8 that says, “Cause me to know the way in which I should walk…”  I pray that particular verse over myself often.  That is exactly what happened, because there is no other way I would have figured out what was wrong with me.  The treatment for the condition?  No sugar.  No caffeine. 

                I have to admit I was really messed up when I learned all this.  The first Sunday after I completely gave up sugar for good, we took communion.  I really struggled with the fact that I couldn’t partake because there was sugar in the elements.  I remembered reading one particular article about my treatment that said something as small as a raisin could cause a reaction.  Well, it wasn’t a raisin, but the juice was made from grapes!  It was during that time that I was reminded of those goals that He had given me two years earlier, before my allergic reactions started and before things had gone badly for me health wise.  I began to beat myself up for my lack of obedience, and the “what if” questions started.  I wondered if many of my symptoms could have been avoided if I had just listened.

                The thing about directions from the Lord is that they are always for a reason.  I didn’t see back in 2011 the issues I had coming, but the Lord did.  It was hard, so I didn’t do it.  I continued sowing bad health, and that is what I reaped.  Thank God, I am believing that as I carry out my treatment, He will cause it to be successful and that I will be completely healed, but how much of this could have been avoided with my obedience?  The Word says, “If you are willing and obedient you shall eat the good of the land.” (Isaiah 1:19)  For a while there, I didn’t feel as if I was eating anything good!

                I’m thankful that through my struggles I have been able to encourage others to begin making healthier choices as well.  I love what Joseph said to his brothers, the ones who sold him into slavery, “…God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive.”  (Genesis 50:20)  God is SO good that He can even turn our disobedience around for good.  

                If you have been struggling with a specific direction from the Lord, whether easy or difficult, let me encourage you today: DO IT!  You might find out why He is giving the direction, or you might not ever find out why.  Regardless of the reason, it is always completely and totally motivated by His love for you.   When you mess up, “There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus.” (Romans 8:1)  Pick yourself up, ask for forgiveness, and keep on going.  Remember, His grace is sufficient for you, for His strength is made perfect in weakness!

Detours

                I sat down tonight with every intention of writing about how disappointed and sad I was about events that transpired in my life today.  I had an awesome paragraph written about it.  It even said the word “disappointed” four times.  I counted.  So why am I now writing a paragraph about why I deleted the paragraph that I previously wrote about being disappointed?  Because my God is too good to let this get me down.  Because my God is too powerful to let this shake me.  Because greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world.  And most of all, because my God won’t allow me to be satisfied with wallowing in self-pity and despair. 

                Something inside me knew that the words I was writing were not the words that needed to come out.  Finding myself in an all too familiar situation as a foster parent who loves a child that is a part of a very broken system, I have felt this sting before.  I lived the ups and downs of it for over a year with the case that included the children who were eventually to become my own.  I allowed depression and despair to come into my heart too many times when it came knocking.  I spent sleepless nights and worrisome days meditating on my fears and letting it destroy my faith. I have heard it so many times, “Fear is having more faith in what the devil said than what God said.”  It is so true! I rehearsed every horrific scenario in my mind.  I made myself sick, stressed, and depressed, and my children and I were none the better for it.  As I was typing those words of discouragement, something told me to stop.  I was reminded that the Lord just took me through a very precious time of preparation.  A two week “boot camp” if you will.  He showed me many things, and they were all very encouraging, but as I looked back through my journal entries from that time, one of them stood out to me. 

                In Luke 13, Jesus was ministering to people, and some Pharisees came and told him to get out of town because Herod wanted to kill him.  In verses 32-33 it says, “’Go tell that fox, I will keep on driving out demons and healing people today and tomorrow, and on the third day I will reach my goal.  In any case, I must press on today and tomorrow and the next day—for surely no prophet can die outside Jerusalem” (NIV).  What I believe the Lord was trying to show me in that verse was that Jesus was being sidetracked by Herod.  He knew He had a call on his life to minister to people, but He realized that He needed to take a detour because of the adversity He was facing.  He was cognizant of the present, but He also saw the end goal as well.  At the time I didn’t know the Lord was showing me things to come, but just like Jesus, today I was thrown a major detour.  It was one I wasn’t expecting, and it was one I wasn’t happy about, but it doesn’t change the end picture. 

                This time, I will not give in to fear. I will hold on to my faith.  Today I choose to have more faith in what God says than what the devil says.  I pray that if you are experiencing any detours in your life, you will not be discouraged by the delay in the journey, but that you would keep that end picture in sight and find joy in the things you learn along the way.  The enemy will always bring these detours, but in the end, I bet when I look back on this day it will look less like a detour and more like a speed bump.

Comparison

                I've had one of “those” mornings.  The baby woke up an hour earlier than normal on my only day of the week to sleep in. Then, while I was eating breakfast (after everyone else was finished), he leaked through his diaper.  As I was giving him a bath, his 20 month old brother was playing in the toilet…twice!  Then, when I got the brother undressed for a bath, he peed on the floor.  This was all by 10 a.m. Yikes!

                As I headed off to the shower mumbling, “Mommy needs a time out,” I wished I was just about anywhere else in the world.  I walked into the bathroom, and the Lord stopped me with a question, “Would you love your other children more if you didn't have Emma?”

                That question hit me like a ton of bricks.  Of the answer to that question is that I love all my children the same.  Sometimes I get frustrated with them because of the terrible choices that they make or because they continue to do the same naughty things over and over, but I would never intentionally favor one of my children over the other ones just because they got into less trouble.  I want to train them all up in the way they should go, but I also want all of them to feel loved and accepted for who they are.

                Recently I saw a quote on Facebook that I wish I would have saved, but it was something like, “Don’t get so caught up in raising a ‘good’ child that you forget that you already have one.” It is so easy to see the negative, but we can’t be parents who fail to see the positive. 

                As I stood in the shower pondering these things, I felt like the Holy Spirit began to minister to me that this is the heart of the Father toward His children as well.  It is easy for us to compare ourselves to other people in the faith. “That person has kids who are always well behaved” or “she prays an hour by herself every day and I can barely get out a ‘Lord help me!’ every morning” or “that family has more kids than we do and they NEVER miss church.”  That is a trap and a lie of the enemy.  If we, as earthly parents, know that we would never love one of our children less because their behavior wasn't as good as the other ones, then why would we ever expect God to love us less because there are others out there that we feel are more “spiritual” or more put together than we are?

                Sometimes we are harder on ourselves than God would ever be on us.  I know I have the tendency to regard my flaws more than the positive things about me.  I ask the Lord for forgiveness, but then I go on beating myself up about it.  Isaiah 43:18-19 says, “Do not remember the former things, Nor consider the things of old.  Behold, I will do a new thing, Now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it?”  God is constantly trying to bring us to new levels, but if we are caught up in remembering our past failures, we won’t even recognize it.  If we are to forgive our neighbor “seventy times seven” for the same offense, shouldn't we forgive ourselves as well?  If we were to “love our neighbor as ourselves,” how loving would that actually be?

If you struggle in this area, as I do, consider asking the Lord to help you learn to see yourself as He sees you: loved, accepted, and righteous.  Ask Him to help you forget the former things and to see the new things He is birthing in you.  After all, His heart toward you is the heart of a parent, and His “thoughts toward you are of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope” (Jeremiah 29:11).